To Pass or Not To Pass ?

To Pass or Not To Pass ?

At one point in my life I was a man on the outside trying to figure out the woman on the inside. But I was too young then. Now, here I am still a bit naïve, isolated, not a clue in the world, and multiple suicide attempts later. Within the transgender community we generally speaking perceive passing as a goal (MtF or FtM) for many reasons, including self-satisfaction, societal security, and an ability to shed, for a time, the "trans" label that we wear. Yet, many of the assumptions made about assimilating towards 'cishood' are predicated on the notion that assimilation is an end goal worthy of obtaining. While it would be easy to say that suddenly the world turned and accepted me, the reality is that passing or not I was and am treated very much the same as I was before. So, my short answer is that while assimilation or passing, is something worth having, a more nuanced answer would be that how we societally construct and demark our gender is much more complicated.

Now I will say that being conventionally attractive has its perks. Frankly speaking, being a women in a country and a society that places so much aesthetic value on conventional beauty means that for all my inner issues the world generally does respect my gender identity. I can flirt with all genders without recourse and generally attract attention when I walk in the room. Admittedly, my bust size means that "they" always arrive a few moments before I do and that helps (big grin). Now, I never hide my 'transness' from those who knew me, but to strangers I am the woman I project.

What this allows me to do is hide my insecurities, and my mental health issues, and my inability to fit in with most communities I encounter. You see, I was bullied heavily as a kid. Decades later, around the time of my transition coronation I got life advice from a friend who said 'to simply be myself and be comfortable in my own skin'. It changed me into someone who has become a little more gregarious (or at least not as shy), yet underneath it all I am still someone who is one faux pas away from curling up and disconnecting. None of this has anything to do with me passing, yet once I came out the other side to be me it means that I can be highly emotional and a tad unpredictable  whenever I am way too stressed or something flares up. Again passing or not, I tend to dig myself into a few holes that take a lot of time and patience on my part and others to extricate me from.

For all that I am, what is inside of me is still a fundamental part of who I am. This is true for all of us, and it is the part left out of most narratives because it is the hardest to put into relatable words.

So, here I am middle aged and I have dealt with these issues as pragmatically as I can because even though my body is no longer conventionally assimilated to the rest of society. I still want to live life. Being transgender and radically different to those around me does not make me some "other", it is only people’s reactions and treatment of me that "others" me. I am still awkward, nerdy, introverted, painfully aware of my surroundings, and do put my feet too deep into life. Yet the hardest lesson, for me, has been allowing myself to be easy on myself and not take everything too personally.

I am much more open now than I was years ago because I have been able to find people and a community that has allowed this openness. Given my work and day to day interactions with the "public" it is not something that I can avoid, yet I always leave pieces of myself behind so that I have those bits left for me and no-one else. I suppose this is the flip side of assimilation, where your identity becomes public and dissected by those who do not know. I am often one of, if not the only, transgender person these people will most likely encounter on a professional level, and being open about myself is as much a bridge between my living experiences and theirs. Not that I speak for all transgender people, but the least I can do is foster a spirit of hospitality where none existed before.

I talk openly about these issues because I want to destigmatize them, especially when it comes to suicide and mental health relating among trans teens. They are being attacked on some many fronts. Now, you need to understand that being assimilated to society standards of beauty was no cure for my depression, gender dysphoria or severe anxiety. I was never normal. We all exist within our own perceived realities, and if we cannot see or find people who are going through similar experiences it makes us feel as if we are the only ones in the world experiencing this. More often this is not the case and finding people in similar situations is hard. I come through my dark moments with the help and support of others, and the least I can do is attempt to be a bridge for other people into a better place.

The girl I thought I was in my 20's that I kept hidden from the world way too long has given way to the woman I am now. She is confident in her own skin and clearer minded. While I have lost too many friends and a lot of the activities I once enjoyed, what I have gained along the way is a deeper, calmer peace that allows me to temper the darkness and work through the issues I still face. I still get moments of suicidal ideation in my darkest moments, though thankfully those are very few and far between. I am candid about this because it is my personal truth, and if you are going through the same do know that you are never alone, and know you have at least one other person who can empathize and relate to you. ME.

So, yes, assimilate or pass, or just be your true self, but know that regardless of where you situate your gendered self you are loved, valid and cared for. 

After years of hiding my truth I now live life on my terms not those dictated by others; but as the real me. No matter how hard it gets I am the one that has to live through it and thrive, yet when things do get hard I have real friends and a community out there to support and nourish me. The same is true for all of us. This is a major reason I write this blog, for if I can be the spark that supports and nourishes one person then I have done my job.